“What do you want?” Jesus turns to ask when he sees me following Him.
“Peace,” I start to say, but then realize it isn’t true… “Prestige…admiration- to be liked- to have unlimited motivation and energy to do the things I want….to be a bit skinnier….”
These are actually the things I want. It’s embarrassing, but it’s true.
“Why?”
“Because, I suppose, well… I think they will make me happy?”
“Here with me you won’t find those things” He gestures at the others, also recently joining Him, “But, you will find community.”
After a moment He adds, “And you will find acceptance. I accept you how you are, even without all those other things you think you need to be accepted by the World.”
He lets that sink in, “And I will give you a new identity.” Its true, He’s been known to turn to people and straight up give them a new name.
It’s a lot to take in.
He sees my hesitation, looks at me, and then holds out his hands towards me, and I can see He’s offering me something. He’s offering me His Will.
“Will you take it?” He asks.
I look at my own arms, they are so full of all the things I want. I’m afraid to drop it all, to let them it go in exchange for just this one thing He is offering me in return. This very ‘full’ life I’ve been trying to live.
“I want to believe, please help my unbelief,” I repeat the ancient prayer of another. “I want to believe, please help my unbelief,” I say again.
“I want to believe, please help my unbelief,” I repeat a third time, invoking God’s special love for the power of three.
“I will,” He promises.
—
The first test:
“Spend the rest of the afternoon here with me.”
The thought causes a rush of anxiety; I have so much to do, always pressed for time, so much that needs to be accomplished.
Will I trust Him to remake my priorities? To strip me down to all that matters, the only think that matters?? – Seeking His perfect Will?
Lord be gracious to me.
Ironically, I wrote out this story, this vision, early Tuesday morning. And a few hours later I would start to feel a bit sick, which a self-test would later come out as positive for COVID, forcing me to cancel all the plans in my typically overly packed schedule. Lord, you do have quite the sense of humor.
Wandering Joy 
This is beautiful and vulnerable. I’ve had this conversation with the Universe many times. I hope you recover your health soon!